{humbled}

My life is empty, pointless.
I have nothing to give or offer the world.
I can be nice, sweet, giving, sexual, smart, encouraging, fun, smiley
 - but all of that is nothing if it doesn’t stem from my creator.
I can live life as it is or I can thrive.
I'm standing with two paths in front of me.
One that might be fun and comfortable but
 leaves me a broken mess and a fake liar and hypocrite.
The other is a full life –
one that hurts, is broken, frustrated, discontent.
 I choose the later.
I choose to not know the answers,
to be broken and discontent.
 To struggle and ask questions.
All because I hold on to the truth that my Abba will be walking alongside of me.
That He will place His Spirit in me so lives will be changed.
Not by any of my power but solely by His.
By the Power that brought God to earth and raised Him from the dead.
A Power that heals, restores, and brings abundant life.
I need that Power.
 I can’t live without It.
I feel as if I’m suffocating and starving because
I have not breathed or eaten for so long.
He has brought me to the desert.
And I chose to stay here.
I am convinced that the desert is exactly where I can find Him.
Not in the glamorous Christian bubble (although He’s there) but
where you wouldn’t expect Him.
He is my Rock, my Redeemer and nothing can shake me.
Neither angels nor demons, distance or work, dreams, lust, friends, home, men, sin –
 NO!
I refuse to be confined and I chose to be set free!
Free to live and love and laugh – no matter how cliché.
I want to be swarmed in It.
 I want Him to take me to new alleys of Himself.
I want to truly believe that He is the only way and
that I can put my trust and heart and life in His hands.
 I want to know mysteries and be used.
 But even if all that never comes to be –
I want to be ok with knowing Him.

Him only.

That if every blessing were taken away I would still have a full life.
That if I were to never be “used” again it would be ok
– because I knew –
and not just knew
– but believed and breathed and touched and felt and saw and smelled my Lord.
So I am choosing to no longer conform or perform,
but to live in Love –
to thirst on it and eat it up.
I waste so much time
– there is more than this – I know it!
 I have nothing to lay at your feet, Lord, but myself.
And I am nothing.